Swearing Inside My Head

Micah and I have been watching this old(er) show through Netflix streaming called Dead Like Me.  It's pretty funny, charming, witty, and touching (at times).  But it is also an adult show, which means there are some "adult situations", occasionally some gore (it's about grim reapers and people die, okay?), and lots of language.  

What surprised me was the effect that the language has had on me.  I haven't started swearing or anything--well, not out loud.  It's just that my internal dialogue has gotten very creative.  I've been hearing words I don't normally use and I must say they do add a certain zest to a conversation...  that's going on inside my head. 

I am aware that some people don't really have an internal dialogue going on.  I'd love to say mine is a rather witty running commentary on what's going on in my life, but it's just not true.  I have kids, okay?  And while they are the joy of my life (they really are) they did kind of suck the brilliance out my thoughts.  Instead of using lovely words like plangent, magnanimous, or antidisestablishmentarianism, my thoughts are usually limited to, "What's that smell?  Oh wow.  Do not vomit.  It will only make it worse.  Do NOT vomit.  Breathe.  In and out.  Okay, not that deeply.  Shallow breaths.  In and out."  or, "I love this.  It's so wonderful when they can play nicely toge... it's too quiet.  What are they doing?  Oh my gosh.  Do not laugh.  I can't believe he/she (take your pick) got up/in there.  Do NOT laugh.  It will only make it worse..."  That's my internal dialogue these days.  Except now it probably looks like this: Do NOT ^&#*($@&(*)!@_ laugh!  It will only make it &*$(&#)@) worse...

But all this gives new meaning to some of the things I've been reading in my Bible lately.  Verses like, "I will set before my eyes no vile thing," (Psalm 101:3, NIV) and, "Though you probe my heart and examine me at night, though you test me, you will find nothing; I have resolved that my mouth will not sin."  (Psalm 17:3, NIV)  

Jesus says, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."  (Matthew 12:34, NIV), which means it's only a matter of time before I'm not swearing inside my head anymore.  My internal dialogue will eventually become my external conversation.  Now the real question is, what do I do about it?  Do I stop watching the show?  (Do I hide under a rock?)  Or maybe I fill myself so completely with God's word that, even with a little leaven coming in, what spills out is still God's love and mercy.  Maybe I don't worry about the pulling the weeds out of my garden as much as I cultivate the good plants to crowd the weeds out! ;-)

You'd Make a Great Dread Pirate Roberts, part 1

I've been trying to reinvent myself lately.  I've been following this running program on Runner's World.com for beginning runners.  The goal is to be able to run for 30 minutes straight at the end of their 8 week program.  What's interesting is how long it's taken me to get this far.  

I first began trying to run in May of 2009.  I decided since I wasn't a morning person it made more sense for me to try to run at night, after the kids were in bed.  So, I began.  The first week wasn't any problem.  But as the second week rolled around I ran into all these obstacles...  Danny had trouble going to bed/falling asleep.  I was tired.  I had lots of things to do.  I was tired.  I was stressed.  I was tired.  Micah wanted to go on a date.  This perhaps was the most insidious temptation of them all--it was good for my marriage to not run that night... ;-)  And as the program got more difficult I began to take shortcuts.  I didn't walk on the days that I was supposed to.  I took too many days off and, instead of trying to press on, I would repeat weeks.  

Now, I'm not really sure that this was all bad.  I'd never exercised regularly before, so even this was an improvement.  And I was losing weight and feeling better about myself.  At first.  But then, as controlling my eating got more difficult, ie. Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around, I found that my lack of discipline in the exercise area made the whole prospect more difficult.  Now look at where we are in the story.  I began in May and now we are at Christmas and I have not yet finished this 8 week running program.

When I began the program again 4 weeks ago I started out at the 3 week point.  And to my surprise, here I am almost at the end of week 7 and I'm looking ahead.  If I am faithful, by next Saturday I will have fulfilled my goal.  And now I'm wondering what to do next.  I am afraid of losing momentum and of having that structure that has sustained me so far.  I started thinking about how last year I never would've imagined that I would be this close to completing my goal.  And that made me wonder-- what is my real goal?  Because if my real goal was to complete the program, why couldn't I imagine that I would be this close to doing that?  I wonder if my lack of imagination about myself has been what's been holding me back.

One of my favorite movies is The Princess Bride.  There is this little, almost throw away, conversation at the end of the movie.  After Fezzic has stolen 4 white horses from the prince's stable and Buttercup has jumped out the window with her beautiful, non-wedding dress streaming behind her and Fezzic has caught her, Inigo and Wesley pause before jumping out of the window as well.  Inigo says, "You know, I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it is over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."  Wesley quips, "Have you ever considered piracy?  You'd made a great Dread Pirate Roberts."  I wonder if I'm just like Inigo.  Have I been so focused on what I am that I have lost sight of what I could be?  How many of us do that?  How many of us are so firmly ourselves that to change even one little thing about ourselves leaves us confused and helpless?

Flamingo Watching

Isaiah 25:1

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, thing planned long ago."

I have always loved flamingos.  I think they are beautiful and graceful and I love that God made them.  I have this photography book called Wildlife by Mitsuaki Iwago.  There are amazing animal photographs in there and I love to just page through and look at all the beautiful things God has made.  But of all the lovely animals in there, my favorite is the pink flamingo.  Imagine you are thumbing through this book--I can't imagine anyone that wouldn't stop and go back to get a second look.  The color alone is breathtaking.  

It's true that the sight of a pink flamingo always brightens my day.  I will stop anyone I see that is wearing a pink flamingo and talk with them--I'm sure they think I'm crazy!  But there is just something about them that makes me smile.  And I even smile when I spot a bright pink, plastic flamingo in a lovely green yard.  It catches your eye, and whether or not you think it's an eyesore, you've noticed it.

I was thinking about pink flamingos the other day and I thought about all the other wonderful things God has blessed me with.  Not just real pink flamingos, but people flamingos.  They are sometimes "kindred spirits" as Anne of Green Gables would call them, but more often they are just random people.  Someone who smiles at you in the store when you're having a bad day.  Someone who waits patiently for you to cross the road, when you're without your kids.  Someone who lets you go in line in front of them.  Someone who reminds you that your children are beautiful and are blessings when you've forgotten.  Those are my people flamingos.  They are the bright pink spot in a beautiful, but sometimes overwhelming sea of my grassy green yard.

Here's the thing, though I could be someone else's flamingo, except that I don't have super powers.  I don't know who's having a bad day, who's in a hurry, who around me needs an extra bit of grace.  And I could say that the Holy Spirit could tell me, but the truth is that I'm not always listening.  So instead of waiting for the right person to come along that I can tell needs an extra bit of grace, why don't I give that extra bit of grace to everyone?  Why don't I try to be everyone's pink flamingo?

See, the more I read my Bible, the more convinced I am that the only thing that makes a difference is a crazy, pink flamingo kind of love--the kind of love everyone notices (and sometimes is thought of as an eyesore...).  I want to celebrate that kind of love when I see it expressed and I want to be one of the ones expressing it.  So, friends, I'm watching for pink flamingos and I'm trying to be one too.  Let's see how brightly we can shine in other people's yards!

ps.  I should probably mention that I thought I should explain why I called my blog "Flamingo Watching."  I've never written a blog before, but I thought it would be a fun thing to do.  I don't know what this blog will continue to look like, but I want it to be a fun place that laughs at the silly everyday things that moms get to deal with, a place that celebrates the beautiful things in this world, and a place that encourages us to keep running the race that is set before us.  Leave me a note and let me know what you think!